Domestic abuse against men

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Not only women are victims of Domestic Abuse. Men can be, and frequently are, also victims of abuse in the home, either at the hands of their female or, in the case of same-sex relationships, their male partner. Abuse is a control issue – abusers believe they have the right to manipulate, control and humilate another person, and this belief is not only held by some men but also by some women.

Every year, 1,510,455 women and 834,732 men are victims of physical violence by an intimate. This is according to a Nov. 1998 Department of Justice report on the National Violence Against Women Survey. What does that mean?
Every 37.8 seconds a man is beaten. The data show that men are more likely to have a knife used on them or to be threatened with a knife, hit with an object, kicked, bitten or have something thrown at them.

Domestic violence is: Any incident or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between adults who are or have been intimate partners or are family members, regardless of gender or sexuality.

Abuse affects all dimensions of human development and existence

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Physical and neurobiological

In addition to such direct results of trauma as broken bones or ruptured internal organs, physically abused children often display retarded physical growth and poor coordination. Malnutrition may slow the development of the brain as well as produce such dietary deficiency diseases as rickets. In both children and adults, repeated trauma produces changes in the neurochemistry of the brain that affect memory formation. Instead of memories being formed in the normal way, which allows them to be modified by later experiences and integrated into the person’s ongoing life, traumatic memories are stored as chaotic fragments of emotion and sensation that are sealed off from ordinary consciousness. These traumatic memories may then erupt from time to time in the form of flashbacks.

Cognitive and emotional

Abused children develop distorted patterns of cognition (knowing) because they are stressed emotionally by abuse. As adults, they may suffer from cognitive distortions that make it hard for them to distinguish between normal occurrences and abnormal ones, or between important matters and relatively trivial ones. They often misinterpret other people’s behavior and refuse to trust them. Emotional distortions include such patterns as being unable to handle strong feelings, or being unusually tolerant of behavior from others that most people would protest.

Social and educational

The cognitive and emotional aftereffects of abuse have a powerful impact on adult educational, social, and occupational functioning. Children who are abused are often in physical and emotional pain at school; they cannot concentrate on schoolwork, and consequently fall behind in their grades. They often find it hard to make or keep friends, and may be victimized by bullies or become bullies themselves. In adult life, abuse survivors are at risk of repeating childhood patterns through forming relationships with abusive spouses, employers, or professionals. Even though a survivor may consciously want to avoid re-abuse, the individual is often unconsciously attracted to people who remind him or her of the family of origin. Abused adults are also likely to fail to complete their education, or they accept employment that is significantly below their actual level of abilit.

What causes Abuse?

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The causes of interpersonal abuse are complex and overlapping. However, the following are widely regarded to be some of the most important factors:

• Early learning experiences: This factor is sometimes described as the “life cycle” of abuse. Many abusive parents were themselves abused as children and have learned to see hurtful behavior as normal childrearing. At the other end of the life cycle, some adults who abuse their elderly parent are paying back the parent for abusing them in their early years.
• Ignorance of developmental timetables: Some parents have unrealistic expectations of children in terms of the appropriate age for toilet training, feeding themselves, and similar milestones, and attack their children for not meeting these expectations.
• Economic stress: Many caregivers cannot afford part-time day care for children or dependent elderly parents, which would relieve some of their emotional strain. Even middle-class families can be financially stressed if they find themselves responsible for the costs of caring for elderly parents before their own children are financially independent.
• Lack of social support or social resources: Caregivers who have the support of an extended family, religious group, or close friends and neighbors are less likely to lose their self-control under stress.
• Substance abuse: Alcohol and mood-altering drugs do not cause abuse directly, but they weaken or remove a person’s inhibitions against violence toward others. In addition, the cost of a drug habit often gives a substance addict another reason for resenting the needs of the dependent person. A majority of workplace bullies are substance addicts.
• Mental disorders: Depression, personality disorders, dissociative disorders, and anxiety disorders can all affect parents’ ability to care for their children appropriately. A small percentage of abusive parents or spouses are psychotic.
• Belief systems: Many men still think that they have a “right” to a relationship with a woman; and many people regard parents’ rights over children as absolute.
• The role of bystanders: Research in the social sciences has shown that one factor that encourages abusers to continue their hurtful behavior is discovering that people who know about or suspect the abuse are reluctant to get involved. In most cases, bystanders are afraid of possible physical, social, or legal consequences for reporting abuse. The result, however, is that many abusers come to see themselves as invulnerable.

Verbal Abuse

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Verbal abuse is a form of battery that involves the use of words, rather than blows and punches. In a verbally abusive situation, words are used to attack, control, and inflict harm on another person. Verbally abusive behaviour goes far beyond mean behaviour; it involves inflicting psychological violence on another person, attacking the very nature of an individual’s being and attempting to destroy his or her spirit. Verbal abuse can affect people of all ages and in all types of relationships. However, it is especially prevalent in marital relationships. Verbal abuse falls into many categories, including:

• Abusive anger: They would blow up at you.
• Criticizing: They make derogatory comments about your weight and figure.
• Name-calling: They  called you a liar and a hypocrite.
• Threatening: They taunt you about their leaving and liking other women/men.
• Blaming: They tell you their behaviour is your fault.

Is name-calling verbal abuse?

Yes! Name-calling is abusive because it says that you are X, Y or Z, but actually you are a person. Abuses define their victims as objects. It isn’t healthy to be in the same room with a person who objectifies you, and in cases of domestic abuse it is harmful to children who witness it. They either see their survival threatened or they think it’s normal, or both.

Why does it seem that after he abuses me verbally he is happy, like he feels relieved? Also, he will act like it never happened. It’s like he has no memory of it. I try hard to not fight with him because it’s not worth it — it only makes him say more things. I end up asking myself if I am blowing things out of proportion or overreacting.

This is what verbal abusers do. Verbal abusers almost universally act like nothing happened, like they feel fine and the relationship is fine. This is because they feel they have more control. Maybe they got you to back down, believe them or doubt yourself. If you doubt yourself then you might go with what they tell you, be more compliant and more slave-like. This makes them happy.

I know I’m being verbally abused, but I just can’t bring myself to leave. What’s wrong with me?

There are many reasons why it’s hard to go. People who suffer from frequent verbal abuse need plenty of support. If you have family or friends to go to, just get away and see what it’s like. Know that while you stay, you’re with the same mentality as a batterer. And physical abuse is always a possibility, but the emotional abuse is worse in the long run. You can lose your spirit. I recommend that you read all you can on getting away from batterers — and what they’re like — and see if you can find a support group at a local shelter. Abusers get worse over time and always blame the victim.

Have I brought this abuse on myself?

Put simply – NO

why do people with PTSD often have sleeping problems?

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There are many reasons why people with PTSD may have trouble sleeping:

Changes in your brain:

PTSD can cause changes in the brain making it difficult to sleep. Many people with PTSD may feel they need to be on guard or “on the lookout,” to protect him or herself from danger. It is difficult to have restful sleep when you feel the need to be always alert.
Medical Problems:

There are medical problems that are commonly found in people with PTSD such as chronic pain, stomach problems, and pelvic-area problems in women. They physical problems can make going to sleep difficult.

Your Thoughts:

Your thoughts can make it difficult to fall asleep. People with PTSD often worry about general problems or worry that they are in danger. If you have not been able to sleep for several nights (or even weeks), you may start to worry that you won’t be able to fall asleep. These thoughts can keep you awake.

Drugs or Alcohol:

Some people with PTSD use drugs or alcohol to help them cope with their symptoms. Drinking and using drugs can make it more difficult to fall asleep.

Upsetting Dreams or Nightmares:

Nightmares are common for people with PTSD. Nightmares can wake you up in the middle of the night, making your sleep less restful. Or, you may find it difficult to fall asleep because you are afraid you might have a nightmare.

Hearing a Noise:

Many people with PTSD wake up easily if they hear a noise. You may feel that you need to get up and check your room to make sure you are safe.

Abusers are often blind to their own abusive behaviour

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If people, in relationships believe that they are entitled to give orders – that it is their right – they don’t necessarily think that ordering their mate around is abusive. They usually think that their assumed rights, prerogatives and privileges make this kind of behavior okay. They are then blind to their abusive behavior.

Similarly, they may think that they have a right to put down their partner, or to tell their partner what s/he’s thinking, meaning, and so forth. They might think they are entitled to act the way they do because of their age, because they’ve been around the place longer, are of a superior gender or race, or because they make more money than their mate. Their sense of entitlement blinds them to their abusive behavior.

The abuser may think verbal and/or physical abuse – acts against their mate – are justified because their mate “makes them do it”. Many people who batter both verbally and physically and who are jailed as a consequence, believe it is their mate’s fault – as if their mate did the verbal and physical abusing. This “crazy” thinking blinds them to their abusive behavior.

The abuser may hold a belief in the right of one person to wield power over another person. This belief blinds abusers to their abusive behavior.

People who indulge in verbal abuse are also blinded to their abusive behavior when they are lacking in the ability to acknowledge and accept their mate’s feelings, interests, talents, perspectives and opinions. This inability to acknowledge others’ feelings may sometimes be as a result of a personality disorder or even a result of childhood abuse that the abuser has experienced.

Common characteristics of an abuser

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Have low self esteem.
Even though a lot of abusers might appear to be ‘tough”, “strong”, and “confident”, more often than not they really suffer from low self-esteem. They may feel that they fall short in the area of their own sex stereotype and so they overcompensate with hyper-masculinity. If they are emotionally “needy”, and they have become dependent on their partner, the thought of losing that partner feels threatening and thus behaviors of controlling and jealousy follow.

Rush in to relationships
Many victims dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. Abusers can come on like a whirl-wind claiming “love at first sight”, and using flattery such as “you are the only person I could ever talk to”, “I have never felt loved like this by anyone”. They may need someone desperately, and will pressure the other partner to commit to a relationship before they are truely ready.

Are excessively jealous
An abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it’s a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. In a healthy relationship, the partners trust each other unless one of them has legitimately done something to break that trust.

Exhibit controlling behavior
Often at the beginning, a batterer will say that this behavior is because they are concerned for your safety, a need for you to use time well or to make good decisions. Abusers will be angry if you are “late” coming back from the store or an appointment; you will be questioned closely about where you went, who you talked to. At this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not let you make personal decisions about the house, your clothing, or going to church. They may keep all the money; or may make you ask permission to leave the house or room.

Have unrealistic expectations or demands
Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs: the perfect partner, lover, and friend. They say things like “if you love me, I’m all you need and you are all I need”. They may expect you to take care of everything for them; emotionally, physically, and sometimes economically. However, this is not natural or healthy in a relationship. Instead, partners in healthy relationships encourage each other to pursue their dreams, to have friends and interests outside of the relationship and take pride in their partner in these things.

Use isolation to keep you centered on them
The abusive person tries to cut the partner off from all resources. If you have same-sex friends, you are a “whore”, a “slut” or “cheating”. If you are close to family, you are “tied to the apron strings”. The abuser will accuses people who are supportive of causing trouble, and may restrict use of the phone. They will gradually isolate you from all of your friends. They may not let you use a car (or have one that is reliable), and may try to keep you from working or going to school. Some abusers will try to get you into legal trouble so that you are afraid to drive or go out.

Believe in male supremacy and the stereotyped masculine role in the family.
Abusers are often obsessive about appearing to the “the man of the house” and they tend to hold very high and rigid rules about how they get act because they are “the man” – often leading them to feel the need to dominate and control and to expect their word and their needs to be catered to at all times, including in the bedroom. The abuser sees you as unintelligent, inferior, responsible for menial tasks, and less than whole without the relationship. They will often tell you that no one else would want you or that you are nothing without them. They will remind you of their “provider role” – everything they have done for you.

Use of force during sex
This kind of person may like to act out fantasies where the partner is helpless. They let you know that the idea of rape is exciting. They may show little concern about whether you wants to have sex, and use sulking or anger to manipulate you. They may start having sex with you while you are sleeping, or demand sex when you are ill or tired. They may want to “make up” by having sex after they have just been physically or verbally abusive to you.

Have poor communication skills
Some people talk with their words, while others talk with their fists (actions). Batterers typically have trouble with discussing “feelings”, especially very strong ones like anger or frustration. Some may feel that “having feelings” and talking out problems goes against the sterotyped male role that they have bought into (see above). Without the skills or self-permission to express themselves in constructive ways (ie in a way that feels uncomfortable or where they feel inadequate), they often lash out with violence.

Use drinking and battering to cope with stress.
Abusers in general have a higher incident of drug and alcohol abuse than non-batterers. This doesn’t mean that drugs or alcohol CAUSE the abuse, rather it lowers inhibitions making an already frustrated and violence-prone person more likely to fall back on violence as a crutch, especially when confronted with their lack of communication skills and any feelings of inadequacy.

Blame others for their actions
Commonly, batterers use the actions of others as excuses for their own behavior. They blame the person who made them angry, as if that person were pushing some magic button that released violent behavior. How often have victims heard “why did you make me do that”? If your partner is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing them wrong or is out to get them. They may make mistakes and then blame you for upsetting them so that they can’t concentrate on their work. They may tell you that YOU are at fault for almost anything that goes wrong. Abusive people will might say, “you made me mad” and “I can’t help being angry”. Although they actually make the decision about how they think or feel, they will use feelings to manipulate you. Abusers see themselves as the “victim” in the relationship, and do not take responsibility for their own feelings or behaviors.

Are prone to hypersensativity
Abusers are easily insulted, and may take the slightest setback as a personal attack. They will rant and rave about the injustice of things that are really just a part of living, such as having to get up for work, getting a traffic ticket, or being asked to help with chores.

Present two sides to their personalities
Often the most frustrating thing for the victim, many abusers are excellent actors. They may appear to function well at work, with friends and family, etc. Sometimes only the battered spouse is aware of the true “nature of the beast”. This often makes it difficult for a victim to reach out for support from friends and family, because those persons may try to talk the victim out of thinking that their spouse is a batterer. Often a victims friends and family will go on and on about “what a great guy you’ve got there” – because the batterer has successfully hidden their violence at home. It’s even MORE frustrating for the victim when members of their support system try to turn the tables and say things like “well, just don’t make him mad”. They’re putting the blame on the VICTIM and not on the offender where it belongs! When this happens, the violent partner gets backup from the very people the victim NEEDS for support and they too fall into the trap of myths about the nature and causes of family violence!

Exhibit cruelty to animals or children
This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain. They may expect children to be capable of things beyond their ability. They may tease children and younger brothers and sisters until they cry. They may be very critical of other people’s children or any children you bring into the relationship. Your partner may threaten to prevent you from seeing children you have no biological rights to, or punish children to get even with you. About 60% of people who beat their partner also beat their children. Of course the OPPOSITE of this can be true also. Abused women often say that they stay “for the sake of the kids, because he’s a great father to them.” Unfortunately, one parent abusing another is one of the greatest risk factors for child abuse as well as for children to sink into depression, anxiety disorders and other mental and physical illnesses. Abuse also models the role of violence to the children as THEY grow up and into relationships of their own.

Myths and Facts of dometic abuse

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MYTH

Abuse only happens in certain “problem” families, ethnic minorities, uneducated or poorer areas.

FACT

Abuse pervades every ethnic, social strata. White collar workers are just as likely to abuse their wives as are blue-collar workers; financially independent people are just as likely to suffer abuse as are people on low incomes. It is not the social standing, the amount of stress lived under or the company kept which makes an abuser, but the internal need for power, the belief that they have the right to control someone else.

MYTH

Domestic Abuse is a family matter.

FACT

Abusing, battering, assaulting or raping another person is a criminal offence. Domestic Abuse has far-reaching social implications for everyone, affecting the abused person’s ability to lead a productive life and encouraging children brought up in an abusive home to repeat the cycle themselves and having a detremental impact on their emotional and sometimes physical well-being. A lot of doctors and hospital time and funds are needed to help those who have been victimised or beaten.

MYTH

Domestic Abuse is not such a big problem – very few women are actually badly hurt .

FACT

Domestic Abuse is a HUGE problem. It is estimated that 1 in 4 women live in abusive relationships, and within our lifetime half of us can expect to be the victim of domestic or intimate violence. Abuse can be lethal. More women are killed by their partner or ex-partner than by a stranger (current UK statistics suggest one woman is murdered by her partner or expartner every 3 days). And even where physical violence has not occurred, the emotional scars can often have a lifelong effect on the victim.

MYTH

Some women ask for it, provoke it, want it or even deserve it.

FACT

NOBODY deserves to be beaten or abused. Women often have to walk on eggshells and try their best to avoid another incident. The abuser WANTS to abuse. This myth encourages the blame-shifting from the abuser to the abused and avoids the stark reality that only the abuser is responsible for his/her own actions.

MYTH

Domestic Abuse is caused by excessive alcohol or the use of drugs .

FACT

A lot of research is going into the link between drug or alcohol use and violence. However, although some abusers are more prone to being violent when drunk, many more abuse when completely sober. Alcohol and drugs may increase the violence, but they do not cause it. Alcohol and drug abuse are separate issues from abuse, though they may overlap. Once again, blaming chemical dependency for abuse is missing the point, the abuser is responsible for his actions.

MYTH

Domestic abuse is a one-off incident .

FACT

Very rarely is abuse a one-off. Most often it is part of an ongoing means of establishing and maintaining control over another person. Abuse tends to increase both in velocity and extent over a period of time.

MYTH

It can’t be that bad, or she/he would leave .

FACT

There are many emotional, social, spiritual and financial hurdles to overcome before someone being abused can leave. Very often the constant undermining of the victims self-belief and self-esteem can leave him/her with very little confidence, socially isolated, and without the normal decision-making abilities. Leaving or trying to leave will also often increase the violence or abuse, and can put both the victim and her children in a position of fearing for their lives. Leaving is the ultimate threat to the abusers power and control, and he will often do anything rather than let her go.

MYTH

Abusers are always coarse, nasty, violent men and easily identified

FACT

Abusers are often apparently charming, generous and well-presented people who can hold positions of social standing. Abuse is kept for those nearest to him or her, to the privacy of their own homes. This Jekyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser can further confuse and frighten the person being abused, as the person in private is so very different to the person everyone else sees. It can also mean that when the person being abused finally does try to tell his/her friends, family or acquaintances of the abuse, he or she is not believed, because the person they are describing simply doesn’t fit the image portrayed in public.

MYTH

Lesbians, men and gay men don’t get battered or abused.

FACT

Sexual orientation doesn’t make any difference. Abuse is about control within a relationship and can occur within any relationship where one partner believes they have the right to control the other. Whether they are married or living together, of the same or opposite gender, have been together for a few weeks or many years really doesn’t make much difference – abuse can and does occur.

MYTH

Abusers or batterers just have a problem expressing anger. They need counselling or Anger Management courses to learn to resolve disputes without violence.

FACT

Most abusers have no problem resolving disputes with their boss or other outside person without resorting to violence. They chose to use violence and other forms of abuse against their partner as a means of maintaining their power over them.

The 6 Main Forms Of Abuse

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1. PHYSICAL ABUSE

– any unwanted physcial attention
– kicking, punching, pushing, pulling, slapping, hitting, shaking
– cutting, burning
– pulling hair
– squeezing hand, twisting arm
– choking, smothering
– throwing “victim”, or throwing things at “victim”
– restraining, tying “victim” up
– forced feeding
– hitting “victim” with objects
– threatening to kill or injure “victim”
– ignoring “victim’s” illness or injury
– hiding necessary needs
– pressuring or tricking “victim” into something unwanted
– standing too close or using intimidation
– making or carrying out threats to hurt “victim”
– smashing things
– display of weapons as a means of intimidation

2. SEXUAL VIOLENCE/ABUSE

– any unwanted sexual contact
– forcing “vistim” to have sex, harrassing her for sex
– forcing “victim” to have sex with animals
– uttering threats to obtain sex
– pinching, slapping, grabbing, poking her breasts or genitals
– forcing sex when sick, childbirth or operation
– forcing “victim”to have sex with other men or women
– forcing “victim” to watch or participate in group sex
– knowingly transmitting sexual disease
– treating her as a sex object
– being “rough”
– pressuring “victim” to pose for pornogrpahic phot os
– displaying pornography that makes “vixtim” feel uncomfortable
– using sex as a basis for an argument
– using sex as a solution to an argument
– criticising sexual ability
– unwanted fondling in public
– accusation of affairs
– threatening to have sex with someone else if they don’t give sex
– demanding sex for payment or trade

3. VERBAL / EMOTIONAL / PSYCOLOGICAL ABUSE

– abusing pets
– verbal threats
– playing “mind games”
– making victim think she/he is stupid, or crazy
– humiliating “victim”
– overpowering “victim’s” emotions
– bringing up past issues
– inappropriate expression of jealousy
– degrading “victim”
– putting “victim” down
– blame the “victim” for things
– turning the situation against the “victim”
– laughing in “victim’s” face
– silence, ignoring “victim”
– refusing to do things with or for “victim”
– always getting own way
– neglecting “victim”
– pressuring “victim”
– expecting “victim” to conform to a role
– comparing “victim” to others
– making “victim” feel guilty un-nessisalially
– using certain mannerisms or behaviour as a means of control (eg. snapping fingers, pointing)
– manipulation
– holding grudges and not really forgiving
– threatening to leave or commit suicide
– having double standards for “victim”
– saying one thing and meaning another
– preventing “victim” from getting or taking a job
– minimising or disregarding “victim’s” work or accomplishments
– demanding an account of “victim’s” time/routine
– taking advantage of “victim’s” fear of something

4. SOCIAL ABUSE

– controlling what “victim” does, who “victim” sees, talks to, what “victim” reads and where “victim” goes
– not allowing victim to see or access to family and friends
– change of personality when around others (abuser)
– being rude to “victim’s” friends or family
– dictating “victim’s” dress and behaviour
– choosing “victim’s” friends
– making a “scene” in public
– censoring “victim’s” mail
– treating “victim” like a servant
– not giving victim space or privacy

5. ECONOMIC / FINANCIAL ABUSE

– taking “victim’s” money
– withholding money
– not allowing “victim” money
– keeping family finances a secret
– spending money foolishly
– not paying fair share of bills
– not spending money of special occasions when able (birthdays etc)
– Conning “victim” out of money
– not letting “victim” have access to family income

6. SPIRITUAL / RELIGIOUS ABUSE

– using scripture to justify or dominance
– using church position to pressure for sex or favours
– using “victim”, then demanding forgiveness
– interpresting religion or scripture your way
– preventing victim from attending church
– mocking victim’s belief’s