Domestic abuse against men

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Not only women are victims of Domestic Abuse. Men can be, and frequently are, also victims of abuse in the home, either at the hands of their female or, in the case of same-sex relationships, their male partner. Abuse is a control issue – abusers believe they have the right to manipulate, control and humilate another person, and this belief is not only held by some men but also by some women.

Every year, 1,510,455 women and 834,732 men are victims of physical violence by an intimate. This is according to a Nov. 1998 Department of Justice report on the National Violence Against Women Survey. What does that mean?
Every 37.8 seconds a man is beaten. The data show that men are more likely to have a knife used on them or to be threatened with a knife, hit with an object, kicked, bitten or have something thrown at them.

Domestic violence is: Any incident or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between adults who are or have been intimate partners or are family members, regardless of gender or sexuality.

Types of abuse of adults

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Domestic violence

Domestic violence refers to the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse of a spouse or domestic partner (regardless of gender). Early research into the problem of wife battering focused on middle-class couples, but it has since been recognised that spouse abuse occurs among wealthy professional couples as well. In addition, studies done in the late 1980s and 1990s indicate that domestic violence also occurs among gay and lesbian couples. It is estimated that four million women in the United States are involved in abusive marriages or relationships; moreover, most female murder victims are killed by their spouse or partner rather than by strangers.

Domestic violence illustrates the tendency of abusive people to attack anyone they perceive as vulnerable; most men who batter women also abuse their children; some battered women abuse their children; and abusive humans are frequently cruel to animals.

Elder abuse

Elder abuse has become a subject of national concern in the last two decades. As older adults are living longer, many become dependent for years on adult caregivers, who may be either their own adult children or nursing home personnel. Care of the elderly can be extremely stressful, especially if the older adult is suffering from dementia. Elder abuse may include physical hitting or slapping; withholding their food or medications; tying them to their chair or bed; neglecting to bathe them or help them to the toilet; taking their personal possessions, including money or property; and restricting or cutting off their contacts with friends and relatives.

Abusive professional relationships

Adults can also be abused by sexually exploitative doctors, therapists, clergy, and other helping professionals. Although instances of this type of abuse were dismissed prior to the 1980s as consensual participation in sexual activity, most professionals now recognize that these cases actually reflect the practitioner’s abuse of social and educational power. About 85% of sexual abuse cases in the professions involve male practitioners and female clients; another 12% involve male practitioners and male clients; and the remaining 3% involve female practitioners and either male or female clients. The victims of many of these abusive relationships are men and women who sought professional help in order to deal with the effects of childhood abuse.

Workplace bullying

Workplace bullying is, like stalking, increasingly recognized as interpersonal abuse. It should not be confused with sexual harassment or racial discrimination. Workplace bullying refers to verbal abuse of other workers, interfering with their work, withholding the equipment or other resources they need to do their job, or invading their personal space, including touching them in a controlling manner. Half of all workplace bullies are women, and the majority (81%) are bosses or supervisors.

Stalking

Stalking is the repeated pursuit or surveillance of another person by physical or electronic means. Many cases of stalking are extensions of domestic violence, in that the stalker is attempting to track down a wife or girlfriend who left him. However, stalkers may also be casual acquaintances, workplace colleagues, or even total strangers. Stalking may include a number of criminal or abusive behaviors, including forced entry to the person’s home, destruction of cars or other personal property, anonymous letters to the person’s friends or employer, or repeated phone calls, letters, or e-mails. About 80% of stalking cases reported to police involve men stalking women.

What causes Abuse?

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The causes of interpersonal abuse are complex and overlapping. However, the following are widely regarded to be some of the most important factors:

• Early learning experiences: This factor is sometimes described as the “life cycle” of abuse. Many abusive parents were themselves abused as children and have learned to see hurtful behavior as normal childrearing. At the other end of the life cycle, some adults who abuse their elderly parent are paying back the parent for abusing them in their early years.
• Ignorance of developmental timetables: Some parents have unrealistic expectations of children in terms of the appropriate age for toilet training, feeding themselves, and similar milestones, and attack their children for not meeting these expectations.
• Economic stress: Many caregivers cannot afford part-time day care for children or dependent elderly parents, which would relieve some of their emotional strain. Even middle-class families can be financially stressed if they find themselves responsible for the costs of caring for elderly parents before their own children are financially independent.
• Lack of social support or social resources: Caregivers who have the support of an extended family, religious group, or close friends and neighbors are less likely to lose their self-control under stress.
• Substance abuse: Alcohol and mood-altering drugs do not cause abuse directly, but they weaken or remove a person’s inhibitions against violence toward others. In addition, the cost of a drug habit often gives a substance addict another reason for resenting the needs of the dependent person. A majority of workplace bullies are substance addicts.
• Mental disorders: Depression, personality disorders, dissociative disorders, and anxiety disorders can all affect parents’ ability to care for their children appropriately. A small percentage of abusive parents or spouses are psychotic.
• Belief systems: Many men still think that they have a “right” to a relationship with a woman; and many people regard parents’ rights over children as absolute.
• The role of bystanders: Research in the social sciences has shown that one factor that encourages abusers to continue their hurtful behavior is discovering that people who know about or suspect the abuse are reluctant to get involved. In most cases, bystanders are afraid of possible physical, social, or legal consequences for reporting abuse. The result, however, is that many abusers come to see themselves as invulnerable.

why do people with PTSD often have sleeping problems?

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There are many reasons why people with PTSD may have trouble sleeping:

Changes in your brain:

PTSD can cause changes in the brain making it difficult to sleep. Many people with PTSD may feel they need to be on guard or “on the lookout,” to protect him or herself from danger. It is difficult to have restful sleep when you feel the need to be always alert.
Medical Problems:

There are medical problems that are commonly found in people with PTSD such as chronic pain, stomach problems, and pelvic-area problems in women. They physical problems can make going to sleep difficult.

Your Thoughts:

Your thoughts can make it difficult to fall asleep. People with PTSD often worry about general problems or worry that they are in danger. If you have not been able to sleep for several nights (or even weeks), you may start to worry that you won’t be able to fall asleep. These thoughts can keep you awake.

Drugs or Alcohol:

Some people with PTSD use drugs or alcohol to help them cope with their symptoms. Drinking and using drugs can make it more difficult to fall asleep.

Upsetting Dreams or Nightmares:

Nightmares are common for people with PTSD. Nightmares can wake you up in the middle of the night, making your sleep less restful. Or, you may find it difficult to fall asleep because you are afraid you might have a nightmare.

Hearing a Noise:

Many people with PTSD wake up easily if they hear a noise. You may feel that you need to get up and check your room to make sure you are safe.

What can I do if I know an adult is being abused?

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As a friend or family member of someone who is being abused, we often feel unsure of what is happening and helpless to change the situation. Below are a few guidelines and suggestions for helping in a Domestic Abuse situation without taking over and further denying the victim the ability and right to chose what is best for him or her.
How can I know for sure if someone is being abused?

Accept the fact that you will probably have to ask to be certain. Many people think that abuse victims do not want to talk about their home-life or situation. Many victims do make efforts to hide the abuse. They often do so because they fear embarrassment, their partner finding out, being blamed, not being believed, or being pressured to do something they’re not ready or able to do. Ask the person privately. Understand that an abuse victim may not open up immediately. Don’t be judgmental or pressuring – this relieves the burden of having to speak out and often results in the victim being more willing to disclose information, it also demonstrates your concern and willingness to help.

Keep it simple. If there are specific observations that are the source of your concern, you might approach the conversation by opening with, “I noticed ‘a, b and c’ and I’m concerned about you. Is there something I can do to help?” Or, “It seems like you’re stressed out and unhappy. If you want to talk about it now or another time, I’ll keep it confidential.” Understand that a victim may not open up when first approached with an offer to help, but they do remember you offered. Open the door, let them know you are receptive and be prepared that you may have to wait.

People are sometimes hesitant to approach a friend or loved one about their concern because they feel that it is “none of their business”, or that their help will not be wanted. But the notion that “what happens behind closed doors is off limits” often allows isolation from help and support for many victims. Very little is lost if your offer to help is refused, but many victims only need someone to reach out and offer support to begin moving toward making a change in their lives.

If you ask, be prepared to respond supportively

There are many things you can do to prepare yourself to offer supportive and empowering assistance to an abuse victim.

Learn all you can about domestic violence – Review the material on this website and the other sites, talk to a domestic violence advocate, read or participate in posts to message boards on domestic violence topics.

Initiate a conversation in private and make sure you have enough time for the conversation if the victim decides to open up.

Let go of any expectations you have that there is a “quick fix” to domestic violence or to the obstacles a victim faces. You must realize that staying in the relationship may be the safest option the victim has until they can figure out another plan. This does not mean that staying in the relationship is “OK”, but it does mean that it takes time and planning for a victim to come to grips with the problem and figure out what to do or where to go.

Challenge and change any inaccurate attitudes and beliefs that you may have about abuse victims and battering. A person does not become an abuse victim because there is something wrong with them. In reality, they become trapped in relationships by their partner’s use of violence and coercion. The better able you are to recognize and build on the resilience, strength, resourcefulness and decision-making abilities of the victim, the more you will able be to help them.

Providing supportive and empowering help

To help an abuse victim, you must understand the affects that living with abuse has on their self-esteem, sense of self-worth and belief in their own ability. A victim of domestic violence is not simply a physical captive – they are actually an emotional and mental captive as well. Support involves helping to rebuild or reinforce the victim’s belief in themself and their own abilities.

Believe the person and tell them you do. Remember that abusers most often behave differently in public than they do in private. So, even if you know the partner, you may never see them behave the way they treat the victim privately.

Listen to their comments. If you actively listen, ask clarifying questions, and avoid making judgments and giving advice, you will most likely learn directly from them what it is they need.

Build on the victim’s strengths. Based on the information they give you and your own observations, actively identify the ways in which they have developed coping strategies, solved problems, and exhibited courage and determination, even if their efforts have not been completely successful. Help them to build on these strengths.

Support their decisions. Remember that there are risks attached to every decision an abuse victim makes. If you truly want to be helpful, be patient and respectful of a person’s decisions, even if you don’t agree with them.

Validate their feelings. It is common for victims to have conflicting feelings – love and fear, guilt and anger, hope and despair. Let them know that their feelings are normal and reasonable.

Avoid victim-blaming. Tell the victim that the abuse is not their fault. Reinforce that the abuse is the partner’s problem and responsibility, but refrain from “bad-mouthing” the partner. Focus on the partner’s negative behavior in your comments and not on your negative opinion of the partner’s personality.

Take their fears seriously. If you are concerned about their safety, express your concern without judgment by simply saying, “The situation sounds dangerous and I’m concerned about your safety.”

Offer help. As appropriate, offer specific forms of help and information – these can include recommendations for social services, legal referrals, support groups, etc. If you are asked to do something you’re willing and able to do, do it. If you can’t or don’t want to, say so and help identify other ways to have that need met. Then look for other ways that you can help.

Be an active, creative partner in a victim’s safety planning effort. The key to safety planning is taking a problem, considering the full range of available options, evaluating the risks and benefits of different options, and identifying ways to reduce the risks. Offer ideas, resources and information.

Abusers are often blind to their own abusive behaviour

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If people, in relationships believe that they are entitled to give orders – that it is their right – they don’t necessarily think that ordering their mate around is abusive. They usually think that their assumed rights, prerogatives and privileges make this kind of behavior okay. They are then blind to their abusive behavior.

Similarly, they may think that they have a right to put down their partner, or to tell their partner what s/he’s thinking, meaning, and so forth. They might think they are entitled to act the way they do because of their age, because they’ve been around the place longer, are of a superior gender or race, or because they make more money than their mate. Their sense of entitlement blinds them to their abusive behavior.

The abuser may think verbal and/or physical abuse – acts against their mate – are justified because their mate “makes them do it”. Many people who batter both verbally and physically and who are jailed as a consequence, believe it is their mate’s fault – as if their mate did the verbal and physical abusing. This “crazy” thinking blinds them to their abusive behavior.

The abuser may hold a belief in the right of one person to wield power over another person. This belief blinds abusers to their abusive behavior.

People who indulge in verbal abuse are also blinded to their abusive behavior when they are lacking in the ability to acknowledge and accept their mate’s feelings, interests, talents, perspectives and opinions. This inability to acknowledge others’ feelings may sometimes be as a result of a personality disorder or even a result of childhood abuse that the abuser has experienced.

Common characteristics of an abuser

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Have low self esteem.
Even though a lot of abusers might appear to be ‘tough”, “strong”, and “confident”, more often than not they really suffer from low self-esteem. They may feel that they fall short in the area of their own sex stereotype and so they overcompensate with hyper-masculinity. If they are emotionally “needy”, and they have become dependent on their partner, the thought of losing that partner feels threatening and thus behaviors of controlling and jealousy follow.

Rush in to relationships
Many victims dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. Abusers can come on like a whirl-wind claiming “love at first sight”, and using flattery such as “you are the only person I could ever talk to”, “I have never felt loved like this by anyone”. They may need someone desperately, and will pressure the other partner to commit to a relationship before they are truely ready.

Are excessively jealous
An abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it’s a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. In a healthy relationship, the partners trust each other unless one of them has legitimately done something to break that trust.

Exhibit controlling behavior
Often at the beginning, a batterer will say that this behavior is because they are concerned for your safety, a need for you to use time well or to make good decisions. Abusers will be angry if you are “late” coming back from the store or an appointment; you will be questioned closely about where you went, who you talked to. At this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not let you make personal decisions about the house, your clothing, or going to church. They may keep all the money; or may make you ask permission to leave the house or room.

Have unrealistic expectations or demands
Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs: the perfect partner, lover, and friend. They say things like “if you love me, I’m all you need and you are all I need”. They may expect you to take care of everything for them; emotionally, physically, and sometimes economically. However, this is not natural or healthy in a relationship. Instead, partners in healthy relationships encourage each other to pursue their dreams, to have friends and interests outside of the relationship and take pride in their partner in these things.

Use isolation to keep you centered on them
The abusive person tries to cut the partner off from all resources. If you have same-sex friends, you are a “whore”, a “slut” or “cheating”. If you are close to family, you are “tied to the apron strings”. The abuser will accuses people who are supportive of causing trouble, and may restrict use of the phone. They will gradually isolate you from all of your friends. They may not let you use a car (or have one that is reliable), and may try to keep you from working or going to school. Some abusers will try to get you into legal trouble so that you are afraid to drive or go out.

Believe in male supremacy and the stereotyped masculine role in the family.
Abusers are often obsessive about appearing to the “the man of the house” and they tend to hold very high and rigid rules about how they get act because they are “the man” – often leading them to feel the need to dominate and control and to expect their word and their needs to be catered to at all times, including in the bedroom. The abuser sees you as unintelligent, inferior, responsible for menial tasks, and less than whole without the relationship. They will often tell you that no one else would want you or that you are nothing without them. They will remind you of their “provider role” – everything they have done for you.

Use of force during sex
This kind of person may like to act out fantasies where the partner is helpless. They let you know that the idea of rape is exciting. They may show little concern about whether you wants to have sex, and use sulking or anger to manipulate you. They may start having sex with you while you are sleeping, or demand sex when you are ill or tired. They may want to “make up” by having sex after they have just been physically or verbally abusive to you.

Have poor communication skills
Some people talk with their words, while others talk with their fists (actions). Batterers typically have trouble with discussing “feelings”, especially very strong ones like anger or frustration. Some may feel that “having feelings” and talking out problems goes against the sterotyped male role that they have bought into (see above). Without the skills or self-permission to express themselves in constructive ways (ie in a way that feels uncomfortable or where they feel inadequate), they often lash out with violence.

Use drinking and battering to cope with stress.
Abusers in general have a higher incident of drug and alcohol abuse than non-batterers. This doesn’t mean that drugs or alcohol CAUSE the abuse, rather it lowers inhibitions making an already frustrated and violence-prone person more likely to fall back on violence as a crutch, especially when confronted with their lack of communication skills and any feelings of inadequacy.

Blame others for their actions
Commonly, batterers use the actions of others as excuses for their own behavior. They blame the person who made them angry, as if that person were pushing some magic button that released violent behavior. How often have victims heard “why did you make me do that”? If your partner is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing them wrong or is out to get them. They may make mistakes and then blame you for upsetting them so that they can’t concentrate on their work. They may tell you that YOU are at fault for almost anything that goes wrong. Abusive people will might say, “you made me mad” and “I can’t help being angry”. Although they actually make the decision about how they think or feel, they will use feelings to manipulate you. Abusers see themselves as the “victim” in the relationship, and do not take responsibility for their own feelings or behaviors.

Are prone to hypersensativity
Abusers are easily insulted, and may take the slightest setback as a personal attack. They will rant and rave about the injustice of things that are really just a part of living, such as having to get up for work, getting a traffic ticket, or being asked to help with chores.

Present two sides to their personalities
Often the most frustrating thing for the victim, many abusers are excellent actors. They may appear to function well at work, with friends and family, etc. Sometimes only the battered spouse is aware of the true “nature of the beast”. This often makes it difficult for a victim to reach out for support from friends and family, because those persons may try to talk the victim out of thinking that their spouse is a batterer. Often a victims friends and family will go on and on about “what a great guy you’ve got there” – because the batterer has successfully hidden their violence at home. It’s even MORE frustrating for the victim when members of their support system try to turn the tables and say things like “well, just don’t make him mad”. They’re putting the blame on the VICTIM and not on the offender where it belongs! When this happens, the violent partner gets backup from the very people the victim NEEDS for support and they too fall into the trap of myths about the nature and causes of family violence!

Exhibit cruelty to animals or children
This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain. They may expect children to be capable of things beyond their ability. They may tease children and younger brothers and sisters until they cry. They may be very critical of other people’s children or any children you bring into the relationship. Your partner may threaten to prevent you from seeing children you have no biological rights to, or punish children to get even with you. About 60% of people who beat their partner also beat their children. Of course the OPPOSITE of this can be true also. Abused women often say that they stay “for the sake of the kids, because he’s a great father to them.” Unfortunately, one parent abusing another is one of the greatest risk factors for child abuse as well as for children to sink into depression, anxiety disorders and other mental and physical illnesses. Abuse also models the role of violence to the children as THEY grow up and into relationships of their own.

What is ritual abuse? (an overview)

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When a child is born into a family or taken into a guardianship group that commits ritual abuse-torture they are chronically neglected, repetitively abused, terrorised, and exploited into sexualised human trafficking and pornography. They are horrified and they are tortured.

SOME EXAMPLES OF “TORTURE”

PHYSICAL TORTURE

• Burnt with cigarettes, lit candles and hot light bulbs
• beaten on the soles of the feet
• tied down
• hung by limbs
• caged
• guns used as in Russian roulette
• made unconscious by choking, suffocating with a plastic bag, or face submerged under water
• forced to lie naked in the snow
• electric shocked

SEXUALIZED TORTURE

• A gun placed in one’s mouth, vagina, or anus and hearing the clicking sound when the trigger is pulled
• violent family/group rapes
• raped with objects – weapons, knife, broom handle, tree branches, and kitchen items
• forced to consume or be smeared with animal/human waste – vaginal fluid, sperm, blood, urine, and feces
• forced into pornography, trafficked/snuff movies
• bestiality
• forced pregnancy/abortions

MIND-SPIRIT TORTURE

• Humiliation
• degradation
• objectified
• treated like an animal
• trained to commit suicide so they never tell
• drugged
• forced to participate in cruelty/killing of pets and witness the torture of others

The 6 Main Forms Of Abuse

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1. PHYSICAL ABUSE

– any unwanted physcial attention
– kicking, punching, pushing, pulling, slapping, hitting, shaking
– cutting, burning
– pulling hair
– squeezing hand, twisting arm
– choking, smothering
– throwing “victim”, or throwing things at “victim”
– restraining, tying “victim” up
– forced feeding
– hitting “victim” with objects
– threatening to kill or injure “victim”
– ignoring “victim’s” illness or injury
– hiding necessary needs
– pressuring or tricking “victim” into something unwanted
– standing too close or using intimidation
– making or carrying out threats to hurt “victim”
– smashing things
– display of weapons as a means of intimidation

2. SEXUAL VIOLENCE/ABUSE

– any unwanted sexual contact
– forcing “vistim” to have sex, harrassing her for sex
– forcing “victim” to have sex with animals
– uttering threats to obtain sex
– pinching, slapping, grabbing, poking her breasts or genitals
– forcing sex when sick, childbirth or operation
– forcing “victim”to have sex with other men or women
– forcing “victim” to watch or participate in group sex
– knowingly transmitting sexual disease
– treating her as a sex object
– being “rough”
– pressuring “victim” to pose for pornogrpahic phot os
– displaying pornography that makes “vixtim” feel uncomfortable
– using sex as a basis for an argument
– using sex as a solution to an argument
– criticising sexual ability
– unwanted fondling in public
– accusation of affairs
– threatening to have sex with someone else if they don’t give sex
– demanding sex for payment or trade

3. VERBAL / EMOTIONAL / PSYCOLOGICAL ABUSE

– abusing pets
– verbal threats
– playing “mind games”
– making victim think she/he is stupid, or crazy
– humiliating “victim”
– overpowering “victim’s” emotions
– bringing up past issues
– inappropriate expression of jealousy
– degrading “victim”
– putting “victim” down
– blame the “victim” for things
– turning the situation against the “victim”
– laughing in “victim’s” face
– silence, ignoring “victim”
– refusing to do things with or for “victim”
– always getting own way
– neglecting “victim”
– pressuring “victim”
– expecting “victim” to conform to a role
– comparing “victim” to others
– making “victim” feel guilty un-nessisalially
– using certain mannerisms or behaviour as a means of control (eg. snapping fingers, pointing)
– manipulation
– holding grudges and not really forgiving
– threatening to leave or commit suicide
– having double standards for “victim”
– saying one thing and meaning another
– preventing “victim” from getting or taking a job
– minimising or disregarding “victim’s” work or accomplishments
– demanding an account of “victim’s” time/routine
– taking advantage of “victim’s” fear of something

4. SOCIAL ABUSE

– controlling what “victim” does, who “victim” sees, talks to, what “victim” reads and where “victim” goes
– not allowing victim to see or access to family and friends
– change of personality when around others (abuser)
– being rude to “victim’s” friends or family
– dictating “victim’s” dress and behaviour
– choosing “victim’s” friends
– making a “scene” in public
– censoring “victim’s” mail
– treating “victim” like a servant
– not giving victim space or privacy

5. ECONOMIC / FINANCIAL ABUSE

– taking “victim’s” money
– withholding money
– not allowing “victim” money
– keeping family finances a secret
– spending money foolishly
– not paying fair share of bills
– not spending money of special occasions when able (birthdays etc)
– Conning “victim” out of money
– not letting “victim” have access to family income

6. SPIRITUAL / RELIGIOUS ABUSE

– using scripture to justify or dominance
– using church position to pressure for sex or favours
– using “victim”, then demanding forgiveness
– interpresting religion or scripture your way
– preventing victim from attending church
– mocking victim’s belief’s