What causes Abuse?

The causes of interpersonal abuse are complex and overlapping. However, the following are widely regarded to be some of the most important factors:

• Early learning experiences: This factor is sometimes described as the “life cycle” of abuse. Many abusive parents were themselves abused as children and have learned to see hurtful behavior as normal childrearing. At the other end of the life cycle, some adults who abuse their elderly parent are paying back the parent for abusing them in their early years.
• Ignorance of developmental timetables: Some parents have unrealistic expectations of children in terms of the appropriate age for toilet training, feeding themselves, and similar milestones, and attack their children for not meeting these expectations.
• Economic stress: Many caregivers cannot afford part-time day care for children or dependent elderly parents, which would relieve some of their emotional strain. Even middle-class families can be financially stressed if they find themselves responsible for the costs of caring for elderly parents before their own children are financially independent.
• Lack of social support or social resources: Caregivers who have the support of an extended family, religious group, or close friends and neighbors are less likely to lose their self-control under stress.
• Substance abuse: Alcohol and mood-altering drugs do not cause abuse directly, but they weaken or remove a person’s inhibitions against violence toward others. In addition, the cost of a drug habit often gives a substance addict another reason for resenting the needs of the dependent person. A majority of workplace bullies are substance addicts.
• Mental disorders: Depression, personality disorders, dissociative disorders, and anxiety disorders can all affect parents’ ability to care for their children appropriately. A small percentage of abusive parents or spouses are psychotic.
• Belief systems: Many men still think that they have a “right” to a relationship with a woman; and many people regard parents’ rights over children as absolute.
• The role of bystanders: Research in the social sciences has shown that one factor that encourages abusers to continue their hurtful behavior is discovering that people who know about or suspect the abuse are reluctant to get involved. In most cases, bystanders are afraid of possible physical, social, or legal consequences for reporting abuse. The result, however, is that many abusers come to see themselves as invulnerable.

why do people with PTSD often have sleeping problems?

There are many reasons why people with PTSD may have trouble sleeping:

Changes in your brain:

PTSD can cause changes in the brain making it difficult to sleep. Many people with PTSD may feel they need to be on guard or “on the lookout,” to protect him or herself from danger. It is difficult to have restful sleep when you feel the need to be always alert.
Medical Problems:

There are medical problems that are commonly found in people with PTSD such as chronic pain, stomach problems, and pelvic-area problems in women. They physical problems can make going to sleep difficult.

Your Thoughts:

Your thoughts can make it difficult to fall asleep. People with PTSD often worry about general problems or worry that they are in danger. If you have not been able to sleep for several nights (or even weeks), you may start to worry that you won’t be able to fall asleep. These thoughts can keep you awake.

Drugs or Alcohol:

Some people with PTSD use drugs or alcohol to help them cope with their symptoms. Drinking and using drugs can make it more difficult to fall asleep.

Upsetting Dreams or Nightmares:

Nightmares are common for people with PTSD. Nightmares can wake you up in the middle of the night, making your sleep less restful. Or, you may find it difficult to fall asleep because you are afraid you might have a nightmare.

Hearing a Noise:

Many people with PTSD wake up easily if they hear a noise. You may feel that you need to get up and check your room to make sure you are safe.

Abusers are often blind to their own abusive behaviour

If people, in relationships believe that they are entitled to give orders – that it is their right – they don’t necessarily think that ordering their mate around is abusive. They usually think that their assumed rights, prerogatives and privileges make this kind of behavior okay. They are then blind to their abusive behavior.

Similarly, they may think that they have a right to put down their partner, or to tell their partner what s/he’s thinking, meaning, and so forth. They might think they are entitled to act the way they do because of their age, because they’ve been around the place longer, are of a superior gender or race, or because they make more money than their mate. Their sense of entitlement blinds them to their abusive behavior.

The abuser may think verbal and/or physical abuse – acts against their mate – are justified because their mate “makes them do it”. Many people who batter both verbally and physically and who are jailed as a consequence, believe it is their mate’s fault – as if their mate did the verbal and physical abusing. This “crazy” thinking blinds them to their abusive behavior.

The abuser may hold a belief in the right of one person to wield power over another person. This belief blinds abusers to their abusive behavior.

People who indulge in verbal abuse are also blinded to their abusive behavior when they are lacking in the ability to acknowledge and accept their mate’s feelings, interests, talents, perspectives and opinions. This inability to acknowledge others’ feelings may sometimes be as a result of a personality disorder or even a result of childhood abuse that the abuser has experienced.

Common characteristics of an abuser

Have low self esteem.
Even though a lot of abusers might appear to be ‘tough”, “strong”, and “confident”, more often than not they really suffer from low self-esteem. They may feel that they fall short in the area of their own sex stereotype and so they overcompensate with hyper-masculinity. If they are emotionally “needy”, and they have become dependent on their partner, the thought of losing that partner feels threatening and thus behaviors of controlling and jealousy follow.

Rush in to relationships
Many victims dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. Abusers can come on like a whirl-wind claiming “love at first sight”, and using flattery such as “you are the only person I could ever talk to”, “I have never felt loved like this by anyone”. They may need someone desperately, and will pressure the other partner to commit to a relationship before they are truely ready.

Are excessively jealous
An abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it’s a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. In a healthy relationship, the partners trust each other unless one of them has legitimately done something to break that trust.

Exhibit controlling behavior
Often at the beginning, a batterer will say that this behavior is because they are concerned for your safety, a need for you to use time well or to make good decisions. Abusers will be angry if you are “late” coming back from the store or an appointment; you will be questioned closely about where you went, who you talked to. At this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not let you make personal decisions about the house, your clothing, or going to church. They may keep all the money; or may make you ask permission to leave the house or room.

Have unrealistic expectations or demands
Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs: the perfect partner, lover, and friend. They say things like “if you love me, I’m all you need and you are all I need”. They may expect you to take care of everything for them; emotionally, physically, and sometimes economically. However, this is not natural or healthy in a relationship. Instead, partners in healthy relationships encourage each other to pursue their dreams, to have friends and interests outside of the relationship and take pride in their partner in these things.

Use isolation to keep you centered on them
The abusive person tries to cut the partner off from all resources. If you have same-sex friends, you are a “whore”, a “slut” or “cheating”. If you are close to family, you are “tied to the apron strings”. The abuser will accuses people who are supportive of causing trouble, and may restrict use of the phone. They will gradually isolate you from all of your friends. They may not let you use a car (or have one that is reliable), and may try to keep you from working or going to school. Some abusers will try to get you into legal trouble so that you are afraid to drive or go out.

Believe in male supremacy and the stereotyped masculine role in the family.
Abusers are often obsessive about appearing to the “the man of the house” and they tend to hold very high and rigid rules about how they get act because they are “the man” – often leading them to feel the need to dominate and control and to expect their word and their needs to be catered to at all times, including in the bedroom. The abuser sees you as unintelligent, inferior, responsible for menial tasks, and less than whole without the relationship. They will often tell you that no one else would want you or that you are nothing without them. They will remind you of their “provider role” – everything they have done for you.

Use of force during sex
This kind of person may like to act out fantasies where the partner is helpless. They let you know that the idea of rape is exciting. They may show little concern about whether you wants to have sex, and use sulking or anger to manipulate you. They may start having sex with you while you are sleeping, or demand sex when you are ill or tired. They may want to “make up” by having sex after they have just been physically or verbally abusive to you.

Have poor communication skills
Some people talk with their words, while others talk with their fists (actions). Batterers typically have trouble with discussing “feelings”, especially very strong ones like anger or frustration. Some may feel that “having feelings” and talking out problems goes against the sterotyped male role that they have bought into (see above). Without the skills or self-permission to express themselves in constructive ways (ie in a way that feels uncomfortable or where they feel inadequate), they often lash out with violence.

Use drinking and battering to cope with stress.
Abusers in general have a higher incident of drug and alcohol abuse than non-batterers. This doesn’t mean that drugs or alcohol CAUSE the abuse, rather it lowers inhibitions making an already frustrated and violence-prone person more likely to fall back on violence as a crutch, especially when confronted with their lack of communication skills and any feelings of inadequacy.

Blame others for their actions
Commonly, batterers use the actions of others as excuses for their own behavior. They blame the person who made them angry, as if that person were pushing some magic button that released violent behavior. How often have victims heard “why did you make me do that”? If your partner is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing them wrong or is out to get them. They may make mistakes and then blame you for upsetting them so that they can’t concentrate on their work. They may tell you that YOU are at fault for almost anything that goes wrong. Abusive people will might say, “you made me mad” and “I can’t help being angry”. Although they actually make the decision about how they think or feel, they will use feelings to manipulate you. Abusers see themselves as the “victim” in the relationship, and do not take responsibility for their own feelings or behaviors.

Are prone to hypersensativity
Abusers are easily insulted, and may take the slightest setback as a personal attack. They will rant and rave about the injustice of things that are really just a part of living, such as having to get up for work, getting a traffic ticket, or being asked to help with chores.

Present two sides to their personalities
Often the most frustrating thing for the victim, many abusers are excellent actors. They may appear to function well at work, with friends and family, etc. Sometimes only the battered spouse is aware of the true “nature of the beast”. This often makes it difficult for a victim to reach out for support from friends and family, because those persons may try to talk the victim out of thinking that their spouse is a batterer. Often a victims friends and family will go on and on about “what a great guy you’ve got there” – because the batterer has successfully hidden their violence at home. It’s even MORE frustrating for the victim when members of their support system try to turn the tables and say things like “well, just don’t make him mad”. They’re putting the blame on the VICTIM and not on the offender where it belongs! When this happens, the violent partner gets backup from the very people the victim NEEDS for support and they too fall into the trap of myths about the nature and causes of family violence!

Exhibit cruelty to animals or children
This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain. They may expect children to be capable of things beyond their ability. They may tease children and younger brothers and sisters until they cry. They may be very critical of other people’s children or any children you bring into the relationship. Your partner may threaten to prevent you from seeing children you have no biological rights to, or punish children to get even with you. About 60% of people who beat their partner also beat their children. Of course the OPPOSITE of this can be true also. Abused women often say that they stay “for the sake of the kids, because he’s a great father to them.” Unfortunately, one parent abusing another is one of the greatest risk factors for child abuse as well as for children to sink into depression, anxiety disorders and other mental and physical illnesses. Abuse also models the role of violence to the children as THEY grow up and into relationships of their own.

What is ritual abuse? (an overview)

When a child is born into a family or taken into a guardianship group that commits ritual abuse-torture they are chronically neglected, repetitively abused, terrorised, and exploited into sexualised human trafficking and pornography. They are horrified and they are tortured.

SOME EXAMPLES OF “TORTURE”

PHYSICAL TORTURE

• Burnt with cigarettes, lit candles and hot light bulbs
• beaten on the soles of the feet
• tied down
• hung by limbs
• caged
• guns used as in Russian roulette
• made unconscious by choking, suffocating with a plastic bag, or face submerged under water
• forced to lie naked in the snow
• electric shocked

SEXUALIZED TORTURE

• A gun placed in one’s mouth, vagina, or anus and hearing the clicking sound when the trigger is pulled
• violent family/group rapes
• raped with objects – weapons, knife, broom handle, tree branches, and kitchen items
• forced to consume or be smeared with animal/human waste – vaginal fluid, sperm, blood, urine, and feces
• forced into pornography, trafficked/snuff movies
• bestiality
• forced pregnancy/abortions

MIND-SPIRIT TORTURE

• Humiliation
• degradation
• objectified
• treated like an animal
• trained to commit suicide so they never tell
• drugged
• forced to participate in cruelty/killing of pets and witness the torture of others