Types of abuse of adults

Domestic violence

Domestic violence refers to the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse of a spouse or domestic partner (regardless of gender). Early research into the problem of wife battering focused on middle-class couples, but it has since been recognised that spouse abuse occurs among wealthy professional couples as well. In addition, studies done in the late 1980s and 1990s indicate that domestic violence also occurs among gay and lesbian couples. It is estimated that four million women in the United States are involved in abusive marriages or relationships; moreover, most female murder victims are killed by their spouse or partner rather than by strangers.

Domestic violence illustrates the tendency of abusive people to attack anyone they perceive as vulnerable; most men who batter women also abuse their children; some battered women abuse their children; and abusive humans are frequently cruel to animals.

Elder abuse

Elder abuse has become a subject of national concern in the last two decades. As older adults are living longer, many become dependent for years on adult caregivers, who may be either their own adult children or nursing home personnel. Care of the elderly can be extremely stressful, especially if the older adult is suffering from dementia. Elder abuse may include physical hitting or slapping; withholding their food or medications; tying them to their chair or bed; neglecting to bathe them or help them to the toilet; taking their personal possessions, including money or property; and restricting or cutting off their contacts with friends and relatives.

Abusive professional relationships

Adults can also be abused by sexually exploitative doctors, therapists, clergy, and other helping professionals. Although instances of this type of abuse were dismissed prior to the 1980s as consensual participation in sexual activity, most professionals now recognize that these cases actually reflect the practitioner’s abuse of social and educational power. About 85% of sexual abuse cases in the professions involve male practitioners and female clients; another 12% involve male practitioners and male clients; and the remaining 3% involve female practitioners and either male or female clients. The victims of many of these abusive relationships are men and women who sought professional help in order to deal with the effects of childhood abuse.

Workplace bullying

Workplace bullying is, like stalking, increasingly recognized as interpersonal abuse. It should not be confused with sexual harassment or racial discrimination. Workplace bullying refers to verbal abuse of other workers, interfering with their work, withholding the equipment or other resources they need to do their job, or invading their personal space, including touching them in a controlling manner. Half of all workplace bullies are women, and the majority (81%) are bosses or supervisors.

Stalking

Stalking is the repeated pursuit or surveillance of another person by physical or electronic means. Many cases of stalking are extensions of domestic violence, in that the stalker is attempting to track down a wife or girlfriend who left him. However, stalkers may also be casual acquaintances, workplace colleagues, or even total strangers. Stalking may include a number of criminal or abusive behaviors, including forced entry to the person’s home, destruction of cars or other personal property, anonymous letters to the person’s friends or employer, or repeated phone calls, letters, or e-mails. About 80% of stalking cases reported to police involve men stalking women.

Abuse affects all dimensions of human development and existence

Physical and neurobiological

In addition to such direct results of trauma as broken bones or ruptured internal organs, physically abused children often display retarded physical growth and poor coordination. Malnutrition may slow the development of the brain as well as produce such dietary deficiency diseases as rickets. In both children and adults, repeated trauma produces changes in the neurochemistry of the brain that affect memory formation. Instead of memories being formed in the normal way, which allows them to be modified by later experiences and integrated into the person’s ongoing life, traumatic memories are stored as chaotic fragments of emotion and sensation that are sealed off from ordinary consciousness. These traumatic memories may then erupt from time to time in the form of flashbacks.

Cognitive and emotional

Abused children develop distorted patterns of cognition (knowing) because they are stressed emotionally by abuse. As adults, they may suffer from cognitive distortions that make it hard for them to distinguish between normal occurrences and abnormal ones, or between important matters and relatively trivial ones. They often misinterpret other people’s behavior and refuse to trust them. Emotional distortions include such patterns as being unable to handle strong feelings, or being unusually tolerant of behavior from others that most people would protest.

Social and educational

The cognitive and emotional aftereffects of abuse have a powerful impact on adult educational, social, and occupational functioning. Children who are abused are often in physical and emotional pain at school; they cannot concentrate on schoolwork, and consequently fall behind in their grades. They often find it hard to make or keep friends, and may be victimized by bullies or become bullies themselves. In adult life, abuse survivors are at risk of repeating childhood patterns through forming relationships with abusive spouses, employers, or professionals. Even though a survivor may consciously want to avoid re-abuse, the individual is often unconsciously attracted to people who remind him or her of the family of origin. Abused adults are also likely to fail to complete their education, or they accept employment that is significantly below their actual level of abilit.

Adverse Childhood Experiences

The  adverse childhood experiences study population included 9,367 (54%) women and 7,970 (46%) men (total sample=17,337). Their mean age was 56 years. Seventy-five percent were white, 39% were college graduates, 36% had some college education, and 18% were high school graduates. Only 7% had not graduated from high school.1,13
The Study assessed 10 categories of stressful or traumatic childhood experiences (seen below). The experiences chosen for study were based upon prior research that has shown them to have significant adverse health or social implications, and for which efforts in the public and private sector exist to reduce the frequency and consequences of their occurrence.
Prior research into the effects of childhood maltreatment and related experiences (including witnessing domestic violence) has tended to focus on only one or two categories of experience, such as physical or sexual abuse or domestic violence, and has generally focused on a limited range of outcomes. The ACE Study is unique not only because of its size, but because it was also designed to assess the relationships of a broad range of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) to a wide range of health and social consequences.

• Childhood abuse

-Emotional

-Physical

-Sexual

• Neglect

-Emotional

-Physical

• Growing up in a seriously dysfunctional household as evidenced by:

-Witnessing domestic violence

-Alcohol or other substance abuse in the home

- Mentally ill or suicidal household members

- Parental marital discord (as evidenced by separation or divorce)

- Crime in the home (as evidenced by having a household member imprisoned)

The first important conclusion to be drawn is that adverse childhood experiences are very common. Moreover, ACE Study estimates of the prevalence of childhood exposures to physical and sexual abuse are similar to population-based surveys. A national telephone survey of adults conducted by Finkelhor et al. used similar criteria for childhood sexual abuse and determined that 16% of men and 27% of women had been sexually abused; in the ACE Study cohort 16% of men and 25% of women in our sample had experienced contact childhood sexual abuse. In our study, 30% of the men had been physically abused as boys; this closely parallels the 31% prevalence recently found in a similarly structured population-based study of Canadian men. The similarity of the estimates from the ACE Study to those of population-based studies suggests that findings would be applicable in other settings.

The other findings from this study are detailed below:

The effects of ACEs are long-term, powerful, cumulative, and likely to be invisible to health care providers, educators, social service organizations, and policy makers because the linkage between cause and effect is concealed by time, the inability to “see” the process of neurodevelopment, and because effects of the original traumatic insults may not become manifest until much later in life. When a child is wounded, the pain and negative long-term effects reverberate as an echo of the lives of people they grew up with—and then they grow up, at risk for taking on the same characteristics and behaviors—thereby sustaining the cycle of abuse, neglect, violence and substance abuse, and mental illness.

References
Anda RF, Felitti VJ, Walker J, Whitfield, CL, Bremner JD, Perry BD, Dube SR, Giles WH. The Enduring Effects of Abuse and Related Adverse Experiences in Childhood: A Convergence of Evidence from Neurobiology and Epidemiology. European Archives of Psychiatry and Clinical Neurosciences, 2006; 256(3):174-86
Dube SR, Miller JW, Brown DW, Giles WH, Felitti VJ, Dong M, Anda RF. Adverse Childhood Experiences and the Association with Ever Using Alcohol and Initiating Alcohol Use During Adolescence. . Journal of Adolescent Health, 2006;38(4):444.e1-444.e10.
Anda, RF, Felitti, VJ, Brown, DW, Chapman, D, Dong, M, Dube, SR, Edwards, VJ, Giles, WH. (2006) Insights Into Intimate Partner Violence From the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. In PR Salber and E Taliaferro, eds. The Physician’s Guide to Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse, Volcano, CA: Volcano Press; 2006.

What causes Abuse?

The causes of interpersonal abuse are complex and overlapping. However, the following are widely regarded to be some of the most important factors:

• Early learning experiences: This factor is sometimes described as the “life cycle” of abuse. Many abusive parents were themselves abused as children and have learned to see hurtful behavior as normal childrearing. At the other end of the life cycle, some adults who abuse their elderly parent are paying back the parent for abusing them in their early years.
• Ignorance of developmental timetables: Some parents have unrealistic expectations of children in terms of the appropriate age for toilet training, feeding themselves, and similar milestones, and attack their children for not meeting these expectations.
• Economic stress: Many caregivers cannot afford part-time day care for children or dependent elderly parents, which would relieve some of their emotional strain. Even middle-class families can be financially stressed if they find themselves responsible for the costs of caring for elderly parents before their own children are financially independent.
• Lack of social support or social resources: Caregivers who have the support of an extended family, religious group, or close friends and neighbors are less likely to lose their self-control under stress.
• Substance abuse: Alcohol and mood-altering drugs do not cause abuse directly, but they weaken or remove a person’s inhibitions against violence toward others. In addition, the cost of a drug habit often gives a substance addict another reason for resenting the needs of the dependent person. A majority of workplace bullies are substance addicts.
• Mental disorders: Depression, personality disorders, dissociative disorders, and anxiety disorders can all affect parents’ ability to care for their children appropriately. A small percentage of abusive parents or spouses are psychotic.
• Belief systems: Many men still think that they have a “right” to a relationship with a woman; and many people regard parents’ rights over children as absolute.
• The role of bystanders: Research in the social sciences has shown that one factor that encourages abusers to continue their hurtful behavior is discovering that people who know about or suspect the abuse are reluctant to get involved. In most cases, bystanders are afraid of possible physical, social, or legal consequences for reporting abuse. The result, however, is that many abusers come to see themselves as invulnerable.

Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse is a form of battery that involves the use of words, rather than blows and punches. In a verbally abusive situation, words are used to attack, control, and inflict harm on another person. Verbally abusive behaviour goes far beyond mean behaviour; it involves inflicting psychological violence on another person, attacking the very nature of an individual’s being and attempting to destroy his or her spirit. Verbal abuse can affect people of all ages and in all types of relationships. However, it is especially prevalent in marital relationships. Verbal abuse falls into many categories, including:

• Abusive anger: They would blow up at you.
• Criticizing: They make derogatory comments about your weight and figure.
• Name-calling: They  called you a liar and a hypocrite.
• Threatening: They taunt you about their leaving and liking other women/men.
• Blaming: They tell you their behaviour is your fault.

Is name-calling verbal abuse?

Yes! Name-calling is abusive because it says that you are X, Y or Z, but actually you are a person. Abuses define their victims as objects. It isn’t healthy to be in the same room with a person who objectifies you, and in cases of domestic abuse it is harmful to children who witness it. They either see their survival threatened or they think it’s normal, or both.

Why does it seem that after he abuses me verbally he is happy, like he feels relieved? Also, he will act like it never happened. It’s like he has no memory of it. I try hard to not fight with him because it’s not worth it — it only makes him say more things. I end up asking myself if I am blowing things out of proportion or overreacting.

This is what verbal abusers do. Verbal abusers almost universally act like nothing happened, like they feel fine and the relationship is fine. This is because they feel they have more control. Maybe they got you to back down, believe them or doubt yourself. If you doubt yourself then you might go with what they tell you, be more compliant and more slave-like. This makes them happy.

I know I’m being verbally abused, but I just can’t bring myself to leave. What’s wrong with me?

There are many reasons why it’s hard to go. People who suffer from frequent verbal abuse need plenty of support. If you have family or friends to go to, just get away and see what it’s like. Know that while you stay, you’re with the same mentality as a batterer. And physical abuse is always a possibility, but the emotional abuse is worse in the long run. You can lose your spirit. I recommend that you read all you can on getting away from batterers — and what they’re like — and see if you can find a support group at a local shelter. Abusers get worse over time and always blame the victim.

Have I brought this abuse on myself?

Put simply – NO

Child abuse linked to adult pain related disorders

According to the researchers, their study and others have found stress caused by abuse can alter children’s brains, making them more likely to develop chronic pain from such conditions as irritable bowel syndrome, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, interstitial cystitis and arthritis.

“Stressful events in childhood, such as abuse, can alter the body’s stress response permanently and predispose to a wide variety of medical and psychiatric conditions in adulthood,” said the study’s lead researcher, Dr. Gretchen E. Tietjen, professor and chairwoman of neurology and director of the Headache Treatment and Research Program at the University of Toledo Medical Center in Ohio.

It is not uncommon, she said, for people who’ve been abused to have a variety of debilitating conditions, including migraine.

“The linking of these comorbidities may be through abuse-mediated brain changes occurring early in life,” Tietjen said. “Understanding the physiology of abuse’s effects on the brain over the life span may lead to prevention or more effective treatment of migraine and associated conditions.”

She was quick to note, however, that not all abused children develop migraines and not everyone who suffers from migraines or any other chronic painful condition was abused.

But those with a history of abuse “are more likely to have the worst cases of migraine,” she said. “They are the ones most likely to have a lot of the other pain conditions.”

The findings are reported in the January 2010 issue of Headache: The Journal of Head and Face Pain.

For the study, Tietjen’s group collected data on 1,348 people with migraines who were seen at 11 outpatient headache centers. About 58% reported being physically, sexually or emotionally abused or physically or emotionally neglected during childhood. Also, 61% reported having at least one painful condition other than migraine.

Those who had been abused or neglected as children were significantly more likely to suffer from other chronic pain conditions than were people who had not been abused as children, the researchers found.

“Childhood abuse, especially emotional abuse and neglect, is very common in the population of persons seeking help for headache,” Tietjen said. “Childhood abuse is linked to high frequency of headache in adults, and to headache-related disability. Persons with migraine who have been abused are more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety and from chronic stress-related pain conditions.”

The researchers noted that different types of abuse appeared to result in different conditions. For example, physical abuse was linked with arthritis, whereas emotional abuse was associated with irritable bowel syndrome, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia and arthritis, Tietjen said.

Physical neglect was linked to an increased likelihood of irritable bowel syndrome, chronic fatigue syndrome, interstitial cystitis and arthritis.

Women who suffered physical abuse or neglect as children were also more likely to have endometriosis and uterine fibroids. Emotional abuse was linked to both conditions as well, but emotional neglect was associated with uterine fibroids alone, the study found.

Dr. Walter Lambert, an associate professor and medical director of the child protection team at the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine, said that “adverse childhood events have significant long-term health risks in adulthood.”

“It does not surprise me that people who reported emotional abuses would have more chronic headaches and migraines,” he added.

Lambert also agreed that stress in childhood can change pathways in the brain, with neglect being the worst. Children can take only so much stress before it begins to affect their growing brain, he explained.

“As human beings,” Lambert said, “we need nurturing — both physical nurturing and emotional nurturing — to flourish.” Society needs to find ways to promote nurturing and stable environments for children to prevent maltreatment, he added.

why do people with PTSD often have sleeping problems?

There are many reasons why people with PTSD may have trouble sleeping:

Changes in your brain:

PTSD can cause changes in the brain making it difficult to sleep. Many people with PTSD may feel they need to be on guard or “on the lookout,” to protect him or herself from danger. It is difficult to have restful sleep when you feel the need to be always alert.
Medical Problems:

There are medical problems that are commonly found in people with PTSD such as chronic pain, stomach problems, and pelvic-area problems in women. They physical problems can make going to sleep difficult.

Your Thoughts:

Your thoughts can make it difficult to fall asleep. People with PTSD often worry about general problems or worry that they are in danger. If you have not been able to sleep for several nights (or even weeks), you may start to worry that you won’t be able to fall asleep. These thoughts can keep you awake.

Drugs or Alcohol:

Some people with PTSD use drugs or alcohol to help them cope with their symptoms. Drinking and using drugs can make it more difficult to fall asleep.

Upsetting Dreams or Nightmares:

Nightmares are common for people with PTSD. Nightmares can wake you up in the middle of the night, making your sleep less restful. Or, you may find it difficult to fall asleep because you are afraid you might have a nightmare.

Hearing a Noise:

Many people with PTSD wake up easily if they hear a noise. You may feel that you need to get up and check your room to make sure you are safe.

What can I do if I know an adult is being abused?

As a friend or family member of someone who is being abused, we often feel unsure of what is happening and helpless to change the situation. Below are a few guidelines and suggestions for helping in a Domestic Abuse situation without taking over and further denying the victim the ability and right to chose what is best for him or her.
How can I know for sure if someone is being abused?

Accept the fact that you will probably have to ask to be certain. Many people think that abuse victims do not want to talk about their home-life or situation. Many victims do make efforts to hide the abuse. They often do so because they fear embarrassment, their partner finding out, being blamed, not being believed, or being pressured to do something they’re not ready or able to do. Ask the person privately. Understand that an abuse victim may not open up immediately. Don’t be judgmental or pressuring – this relieves the burden of having to speak out and often results in the victim being more willing to disclose information, it also demonstrates your concern and willingness to help.

Keep it simple. If there are specific observations that are the source of your concern, you might approach the conversation by opening with, “I noticed ‘a, b and c’ and I’m concerned about you. Is there something I can do to help?” Or, “It seems like you’re stressed out and unhappy. If you want to talk about it now or another time, I’ll keep it confidential.” Understand that a victim may not open up when first approached with an offer to help, but they do remember you offered. Open the door, let them know you are receptive and be prepared that you may have to wait.

People are sometimes hesitant to approach a friend or loved one about their concern because they feel that it is “none of their business”, or that their help will not be wanted. But the notion that “what happens behind closed doors is off limits” often allows isolation from help and support for many victims. Very little is lost if your offer to help is refused, but many victims only need someone to reach out and offer support to begin moving toward making a change in their lives.

If you ask, be prepared to respond supportively

There are many things you can do to prepare yourself to offer supportive and empowering assistance to an abuse victim.

Learn all you can about domestic violence – Review the material on this website and the other sites, talk to a domestic violence advocate, read or participate in posts to message boards on domestic violence topics.

Initiate a conversation in private and make sure you have enough time for the conversation if the victim decides to open up.

Let go of any expectations you have that there is a “quick fix” to domestic violence or to the obstacles a victim faces. You must realize that staying in the relationship may be the safest option the victim has until they can figure out another plan. This does not mean that staying in the relationship is “OK”, but it does mean that it takes time and planning for a victim to come to grips with the problem and figure out what to do or where to go.

Challenge and change any inaccurate attitudes and beliefs that you may have about abuse victims and battering. A person does not become an abuse victim because there is something wrong with them. In reality, they become trapped in relationships by their partner’s use of violence and coercion. The better able you are to recognize and build on the resilience, strength, resourcefulness and decision-making abilities of the victim, the more you will able be to help them.

Providing supportive and empowering help

To help an abuse victim, you must understand the affects that living with abuse has on their self-esteem, sense of self-worth and belief in their own ability. A victim of domestic violence is not simply a physical captive – they are actually an emotional and mental captive as well. Support involves helping to rebuild or reinforce the victim’s belief in themself and their own abilities.

Believe the person and tell them you do. Remember that abusers most often behave differently in public than they do in private. So, even if you know the partner, you may never see them behave the way they treat the victim privately.

Listen to their comments. If you actively listen, ask clarifying questions, and avoid making judgments and giving advice, you will most likely learn directly from them what it is they need.

Build on the victim’s strengths. Based on the information they give you and your own observations, actively identify the ways in which they have developed coping strategies, solved problems, and exhibited courage and determination, even if their efforts have not been completely successful. Help them to build on these strengths.

Support their decisions. Remember that there are risks attached to every decision an abuse victim makes. If you truly want to be helpful, be patient and respectful of a person’s decisions, even if you don’t agree with them.

Validate their feelings. It is common for victims to have conflicting feelings – love and fear, guilt and anger, hope and despair. Let them know that their feelings are normal and reasonable.

Avoid victim-blaming. Tell the victim that the abuse is not their fault. Reinforce that the abuse is the partner’s problem and responsibility, but refrain from “bad-mouthing” the partner. Focus on the partner’s negative behavior in your comments and not on your negative opinion of the partner’s personality.

Take their fears seriously. If you are concerned about their safety, express your concern without judgment by simply saying, “The situation sounds dangerous and I’m concerned about your safety.”

Offer help. As appropriate, offer specific forms of help and information – these can include recommendations for social services, legal referrals, support groups, etc. If you are asked to do something you’re willing and able to do, do it. If you can’t or don’t want to, say so and help identify other ways to have that need met. Then look for other ways that you can help.

Be an active, creative partner in a victim’s safety planning effort. The key to safety planning is taking a problem, considering the full range of available options, evaluating the risks and benefits of different options, and identifying ways to reduce the risks. Offer ideas, resources and information.

Abusers are often blind to their own abusive behaviour

If people, in relationships believe that they are entitled to give orders – that it is their right – they don’t necessarily think that ordering their mate around is abusive. They usually think that their assumed rights, prerogatives and privileges make this kind of behavior okay. They are then blind to their abusive behavior.

Similarly, they may think that they have a right to put down their partner, or to tell their partner what s/he’s thinking, meaning, and so forth. They might think they are entitled to act the way they do because of their age, because they’ve been around the place longer, are of a superior gender or race, or because they make more money than their mate. Their sense of entitlement blinds them to their abusive behavior.

The abuser may think verbal and/or physical abuse – acts against their mate – are justified because their mate “makes them do it”. Many people who batter both verbally and physically and who are jailed as a consequence, believe it is their mate’s fault – as if their mate did the verbal and physical abusing. This “crazy” thinking blinds them to their abusive behavior.

The abuser may hold a belief in the right of one person to wield power over another person. This belief blinds abusers to their abusive behavior.

People who indulge in verbal abuse are also blinded to their abusive behavior when they are lacking in the ability to acknowledge and accept their mate’s feelings, interests, talents, perspectives and opinions. This inability to acknowledge others’ feelings may sometimes be as a result of a personality disorder or even a result of childhood abuse that the abuser has experienced.

Common characteristics of an abuser

Have low self esteem.
Even though a lot of abusers might appear to be ‘tough”, “strong”, and “confident”, more often than not they really suffer from low self-esteem. They may feel that they fall short in the area of their own sex stereotype and so they overcompensate with hyper-masculinity. If they are emotionally “needy”, and they have become dependent on their partner, the thought of losing that partner feels threatening and thus behaviors of controlling and jealousy follow.

Rush in to relationships
Many victims dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. Abusers can come on like a whirl-wind claiming “love at first sight”, and using flattery such as “you are the only person I could ever talk to”, “I have never felt loved like this by anyone”. They may need someone desperately, and will pressure the other partner to commit to a relationship before they are truely ready.

Are excessively jealous
An abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it’s a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. In a healthy relationship, the partners trust each other unless one of them has legitimately done something to break that trust.

Exhibit controlling behavior
Often at the beginning, a batterer will say that this behavior is because they are concerned for your safety, a need for you to use time well or to make good decisions. Abusers will be angry if you are “late” coming back from the store or an appointment; you will be questioned closely about where you went, who you talked to. At this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not let you make personal decisions about the house, your clothing, or going to church. They may keep all the money; or may make you ask permission to leave the house or room.

Have unrealistic expectations or demands
Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs: the perfect partner, lover, and friend. They say things like “if you love me, I’m all you need and you are all I need”. They may expect you to take care of everything for them; emotionally, physically, and sometimes economically. However, this is not natural or healthy in a relationship. Instead, partners in healthy relationships encourage each other to pursue their dreams, to have friends and interests outside of the relationship and take pride in their partner in these things.

Use isolation to keep you centered on them
The abusive person tries to cut the partner off from all resources. If you have same-sex friends, you are a “whore”, a “slut” or “cheating”. If you are close to family, you are “tied to the apron strings”. The abuser will accuses people who are supportive of causing trouble, and may restrict use of the phone. They will gradually isolate you from all of your friends. They may not let you use a car (or have one that is reliable), and may try to keep you from working or going to school. Some abusers will try to get you into legal trouble so that you are afraid to drive or go out.

Believe in male supremacy and the stereotyped masculine role in the family.
Abusers are often obsessive about appearing to the “the man of the house” and they tend to hold very high and rigid rules about how they get act because they are “the man” – often leading them to feel the need to dominate and control and to expect their word and their needs to be catered to at all times, including in the bedroom. The abuser sees you as unintelligent, inferior, responsible for menial tasks, and less than whole without the relationship. They will often tell you that no one else would want you or that you are nothing without them. They will remind you of their “provider role” – everything they have done for you.

Use of force during sex
This kind of person may like to act out fantasies where the partner is helpless. They let you know that the idea of rape is exciting. They may show little concern about whether you wants to have sex, and use sulking or anger to manipulate you. They may start having sex with you while you are sleeping, or demand sex when you are ill or tired. They may want to “make up” by having sex after they have just been physically or verbally abusive to you.

Have poor communication skills
Some people talk with their words, while others talk with their fists (actions). Batterers typically have trouble with discussing “feelings”, especially very strong ones like anger or frustration. Some may feel that “having feelings” and talking out problems goes against the sterotyped male role that they have bought into (see above). Without the skills or self-permission to express themselves in constructive ways (ie in a way that feels uncomfortable or where they feel inadequate), they often lash out with violence.

Use drinking and battering to cope with stress.
Abusers in general have a higher incident of drug and alcohol abuse than non-batterers. This doesn’t mean that drugs or alcohol CAUSE the abuse, rather it lowers inhibitions making an already frustrated and violence-prone person more likely to fall back on violence as a crutch, especially when confronted with their lack of communication skills and any feelings of inadequacy.

Blame others for their actions
Commonly, batterers use the actions of others as excuses for their own behavior. They blame the person who made them angry, as if that person were pushing some magic button that released violent behavior. How often have victims heard “why did you make me do that”? If your partner is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing them wrong or is out to get them. They may make mistakes and then blame you for upsetting them so that they can’t concentrate on their work. They may tell you that YOU are at fault for almost anything that goes wrong. Abusive people will might say, “you made me mad” and “I can’t help being angry”. Although they actually make the decision about how they think or feel, they will use feelings to manipulate you. Abusers see themselves as the “victim” in the relationship, and do not take responsibility for their own feelings or behaviors.

Are prone to hypersensativity
Abusers are easily insulted, and may take the slightest setback as a personal attack. They will rant and rave about the injustice of things that are really just a part of living, such as having to get up for work, getting a traffic ticket, or being asked to help with chores.

Present two sides to their personalities
Often the most frustrating thing for the victim, many abusers are excellent actors. They may appear to function well at work, with friends and family, etc. Sometimes only the battered spouse is aware of the true “nature of the beast”. This often makes it difficult for a victim to reach out for support from friends and family, because those persons may try to talk the victim out of thinking that their spouse is a batterer. Often a victims friends and family will go on and on about “what a great guy you’ve got there” – because the batterer has successfully hidden their violence at home. It’s even MORE frustrating for the victim when members of their support system try to turn the tables and say things like “well, just don’t make him mad”. They’re putting the blame on the VICTIM and not on the offender where it belongs! When this happens, the violent partner gets backup from the very people the victim NEEDS for support and they too fall into the trap of myths about the nature and causes of family violence!

Exhibit cruelty to animals or children
This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain. They may expect children to be capable of things beyond their ability. They may tease children and younger brothers and sisters until they cry. They may be very critical of other people’s children or any children you bring into the relationship. Your partner may threaten to prevent you from seeing children you have no biological rights to, or punish children to get even with you. About 60% of people who beat their partner also beat their children. Of course the OPPOSITE of this can be true also. Abused women often say that they stay “for the sake of the kids, because he’s a great father to them.” Unfortunately, one parent abusing another is one of the greatest risk factors for child abuse as well as for children to sink into depression, anxiety disorders and other mental and physical illnesses. Abuse also models the role of violence to the children as THEY grow up and into relationships of their own.