The first time I was raped.

As it is sexual assualt awareness month I thought I would share a bit of my past. I have a lot of experiance of abuse, rape and assualt, but the following is the one that seemed to fit the best with the theme of this month.

Just before my 16th birthday my mum and I had an argument, she wanted me to get a full time job and I wanted to go to college, so she threw me out  and spent a few weeks on the streets before a friend of a friend offered me his second flat to rent. After a few weeks though he insisted that I date him or be evicted and then he moved in. He was abusive, physically and sexually, but the sexual stuff didn’t come until far later than when this story takes place so we’ll ignore than for now.

I had started 6th form by now and was also working part-time. But Tristan still expected me to do all the housework and cooking. And if it wasn’t up to scratch there would be punishments…

Tristan had problems, he was a heroin addict and had psychotic depression, and so I let a lot of what he did slide… About 4 months after I had moved in with him we started to have money problems, he started to be unable to afford his drugs and so started to get more and more violent due to the withdrawl, I even ended up in hospital a few times…

Then one night he took me with him to meet with his dealer, I assumed that he had gotten some money from somewhere but it turned out that they had come to an alternative agreement.
They went to one side to talk and I stood in the alley, then Tristan came over and said he’d be back soon and not to move. He walked off… I knew something was wrong, but I was too scared to move. Then I could feel something sharp against my back and feel the dealer stood behind me. He told me to turn round slowly and not to scream… I was scared, I didn’t move, I couldn’t move, he grabbed my by the shoulder and pulled me round and threw me against the wall.
He pushed me up against the wall and put his knife against my neck, telling me that if I made any noise he’d remove y voice box.

Then it happened… first anal, then… then “real sex”… I cried… there was nothing else I could do, I cried… I just kept saying over and over to myself that it would be over soon… it hurt so much though, so I focused on that, I used the pain to block out what was going on.

After what seemed like an age he stopped, stood up and walked away. Tristan was there at the end of the alley, he’d watched it all…

The dealer handed over the drugs and Tristan took me home… That night was the first of many when he started to nag me for sex… and the first of many when I refused.